Captain Jack’s Crap Cake

DISCLAIMER:   First off, let me apologize to Shane Clemons for this article.  Sometimes I have a very sarcastic sense of humor.  And to those of you that have thin skin & no sense of humor….well, try to lighten up & laugh a little.  Sorry Shane-O, the Jaxson De Ville made me do it.


Jack Del Rio is throwing a party & we’re all invited.  He has been very busy mixing the ingredients and after 8 years he wants you to take a big ol’ bite.  MMMMMMM, crap cake.  And don’t forget to wash it all down with that special teal kool-aid.   But be warned, that cake has been sitting on the shelf for 8 long years and it hasn’t gotten any better.  Do you know what happens when you eat crap cake?  You sh*t rainbows.   And not just any rainbows, but pretty sparkley rainbows that make you think the Jaguars will win the division, or that Jack has some hope of saving his job.  And if you drink that teal kool-aid you’ll forget all about how he threw his offensive coordinator under the bus last week.  Maybe you’ll even start to think that the Jaguars WRs don’t drop passes.

As for me, I think I’ll sit this one out.  I can see the real problem through all the balloons & confetti.  I have a nose & I smell what Jack is cooking.  Trust me, it stinks.  Of course, some former Jaguars didn’t get invited.  Garrard is still at home, sick to his stomach from having to eat so much of Jack’s cake & still smile for the cameras.  Shack Harris is making his own cake in Detroit.   Fred Taylor chose retirement over eating anymore crap cake. And Mike Smith actually made a cake with the right ingredients (a couple teaspoons of “big time” WR covered with “Matty Ice” icing on top)  Jack should read the directions next time.  But some of you are real troopers.  You just keep on eating it and asking for more, which Del Rio is happy to give you.  Just wait.  Soon you’ll be hugging your toilet and crying ” He was right, he was right. Dear God, how do I get this taste out off my mouth?”

Crap cake makes you do funny things too.  It plays tricks on your mind.  One week you’ll be so mad at Del Rio that you’ll demand his head on a silver platter. But after just a few bites of cake you’ll be right back on the “Save Jack’s Job” band wagon.  It can alter you’re sense of reality as well.  Eat too much of it & you’ll start thinking that the Jaguars will win 9 games this year & be in contention for the division title.  Now before you get too mad at me, remember that I use to love the taste of crap cake too.  Whenever Jack would drop little morsels of it, I’d eat it up.  When he said that Leftwhich would be the starter, I ate.  When he claimed that Garrard would be the starter, I ate.  When he promised ” No more 3 yards and a cloud of dust”, I ate a big chunk of it.  But now I’ve had my fill.  I can’t eat another bite.  Sorry Jack, but your crap cake sucks & no amount of teal kool-aid can ever wash the taste away.

Please stop eating Captain Jack’s Crap Cake. It will only make you sick.  Sitting on the toilet for hours every sunday after the game isn’t fun…….not even if you’re shi**ing rainbows. It is time to throw that cake in the garbage.  It’s old & moldy. And those aren’t candy sprinkles on top of it.  Pour the rest of the teal kool-aid down the drain and go gargle with some powerfully strong mouthwash.  Now relax, breath deeply, sit down & get comfortable.  Are you ready for the truth?  No, you’re not Keanu Reeves and you have not just realized that you can see the matrix.  The Jaguars just aren’t that good this year.   Sorry if I ruined the surprise for you.  But look at the bright side, I just saved you a fortune on Pepto Bismol and Immodium AD.